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Sex is for fun!

When discussing sex with the 12/13 year olds, I give them a bunch of statements and ask them to put their thumbs up, down or in the middle to let me know whether they agree or not. There’s usually a lot of discussion that comes along with this and it’s an excellent way for them to share their views, listen to other people’s opinions and maybe even modify their own if they hear something from a point of view they’ve not thought of before.

By this age they’re pretty happy to accept that people have sex for pleasure, whereas younger kids can think it’s just for baby making. I love the answers where the kids bring up consent-“as long as everyone is consenting, it’s ok!”

Here are some of the other statements I use, that you could give a try too with your kids:

-sex is better in a long term committed relationship
-sex is for making babies
-most people have sex regularly
-having sex with someone proves that you love them
-sex is very romantic
-boys want sex more than girls

If you’re not a teacher, you could bring up a statement in a casual way and see what your child says. For example, you could say, “I heard someone on the radio say …X…Do you think that’s true?”

Remember sex ed is never just one big talk. It’s lots of little conversations that hopefully spring up organically where you can talk to your kids about your family values, and give them space to work out their own ideas too!

3:49 pm 22Jan, 2022
admin
The vulva

New year, new push on correct terminology🙌

I still hear people on tv programmes, social media and around me calling the vulva a vagina. I know that people reading this are probably up on this stuff-so please encourage the people around you to follow your fantastic example. And if they ask you why it is important? Well here is why…

1. Because IT IS a vulva, not an elbow, leg or vagina!!!
2. If you don’t call it anything you deny it’s existence and send the message to others that it’s something not to be spoken of, which in turn perpetuates feelings of shame or embarrassment
3. Many nicknames for private parts have negative connotations-either really violent or really passive / flowery and LANGUAGE MATTERS!! It sends messages even if you’re not aware of them yet (thinking of children)
4. Giving your children the knowledge around their bodies empowers them. If they are assaulted or abused, they will have the precise language to communicate what happened to them and where
5. On that, if they were trying to disclose abuse and didn’t have the correct language then they may not be able to get their point across and then stop trying, as the adult they’ve told doesn’t understand what they are talking about
6. There is a resistance to talking freely and matter of factly about the vulva and clitoris that simply doesn’t exist when it comes to the penis and testicles. This is testimony to the inequalities in all of our societies and we can all play a part in breaking free of that by using the language correctly and without shame.

It can take us a while to break out of society’s social conditioning-hey, we’ve been sent this messaging all our lives! It takes a concerted effort to use new language in many different situations until it becomes second nature, but I promise you that you’ll be doing yourself and everyone else around you a favour by doing so.

Ps. I know from my own experience that people with a vulva can also cringe/shy away from using the correct terminology but that is just testimony to the depth of our conditioning. I don’t want future generations to be waking up at 40 and realising all this stuff! Let’s teach our kids the right terminology from the get go 👏👏👏

3:53 pm 16Jan, 2022
admin
Sexually Transmitted Infections

Back to basics! What is an STI?

An STI is a sexually transmitted infection.

❓What’s the difference between an infection and a disease?

🦠 Infections come from bacteria and viruses.
🧫 Some diseases can develop from infections but not all diseases start from infections.

🦠 An infection may progress into a disease when it officially disrupts the body’s normal functions and processes.

💬 There can be a lot of stigma around the word ‘disease’ and so I’ve seen a big shift in language over the last 10 years when it comes to STIs.

🍄 STIs are either:
A virus (certain types of HPV/HIV/genital herpes/hep b)
A bacteria (gonorrhoea/syphilis/chlamydia)
A parasite (pubic lice/TRICH)
(Thrush, a fungus, is not an STI but can be passed on during sex)

🤕 Many do not show any symptoms at the beginning so the ONLY way to know that you have it and need treatment is to get tested.

🤒 Some symptoms could be: Sores or bumps on the genitals or in the oral or rectal area; Painful or burning urination; Discharge from the penis; Unusual or odorous vaginal discharge; Unusual vaginal bleeding; Pain during sex; Sore, swollen lymph nodes, particularly in the groin; Lower abdominal pain; Fever

👩‍⚕️ Health care professionals are there to HELP you and are very used to these types of conversations so although it might feel embarrassing or awkward, they should make you feel comfortable.
💪 You are being responsible and that deserves respect!

😘 STIs are transmitted by bodily fluids and some by skin to skin contact

🍆 When used correctly, condoms do a good job of protecting against STIs. Flavoured condoms can be used for oral sex (only!), as can dental dams.

🏥STIs are either curable or manageable, as long as you get the right help, and preferably quickly!

3:50 pm 16Jan, 2022
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Why consent laws aren’t the whole picture

I posted a reel recently on instagram that was all about the legal age of consent around the world. It did so well-over 40K views (!) but of course, there are so many other things to consider when we discuss consent. With regards to the law, here are some more ‘nuances’ to consider:
1️⃣ in some countries (and states in the US) there is a close in age exemption that makes intercourse lawful if the partners are of similar ages or the age difference is not higher than a certain number of years. This “avoids criminalizing adolescents of similar ages for factually consensual and non-exploitative sexual activity”
For example, in Italy where I live, the law provides an exception for consensual sexual activities between persons if neither of them is under 13 years old and the age gap does not exceed three years. Some EU Member States provide higher age thresholds for sexual activity between a child and a recognised person of trust, authority or influence over the child.
2️⃣ In some countries it is illegal to engage in sexual activity unless you are married, however the minimum age for marriage is very low, and it seems, from my research at least, that the minimum age for girls is often younger than boys. So, for example, a much older man could marry a 12 year old girl LEGALLY-and this happens all over the world, also in countries you might considered ‘developed’ -so don’t think this is something that only happens in countries you might stereotype to allow this.
According to the UN, if current trends continue, the number of girls who marry as children will reach nearly one billion by 2030. According to weforum.org, in Sudan, girls can marry at 10 and boys can marry at 15 or at puberty. In the Philippines, Muslim boys can marry at 15 and Muslim girls can marry at puberty. (Remember girls can start puberty as young as 8!) In Tanzania, Muslim and Hindu girls can marry at 12 as long as the marriage is not consummated until the girl reaches the age of 15.
3️⃣In some countries there might be a disconnect between age of consent and marriage,such as Cyprus and Malta, where the minimum age for sexual consent (18) is above the age at which children can get married (16) with the consent of a public authority and/or the parents.

4️⃣And lastly, just because a country has an age limit, many of its citizens aren’t aware of it or assume the age, let alone stick to it.

3:47 pm 16Jan, 2022
admin
Period Underwear

Period underwear is becoming increasingly popular and well known. A few years ago I wasn’t even talking about them as an option for menstruaters, so they’ve really come a long way!

Here is my list of considerations for these products:

💰 expense-initial outlay of money but longer term investment-you’ll soon recoup the money you would have spent on throw away products, then it all becomes savings!
🩲 You’ll probably need to buy a few pairs for different parts of your cycle
🩲 You might need to carry a spare pair around with you whilst you get used to using them and to make sure you have the right fit
👩‍👩‍👧‍👧 come in all sizes and companies have teen selections too
✉️ Lots of companies offer returns/refunds or exchanges if you’re not happy which is great when you are first trying them out
🌍 Better for the environment than throw away plastic products such as the average tampons and pads you buy at supermarkets
🩸 They DON’T leak! I’ve read SO many reviews and use them myself and can tell you they don’t!
💧 You need to get used to the sight of your own blood as you need to rinse them out with cold water before putting them in the wash
🧽 You need access to a washing machine
🔥 They must air dry, don’t put them in a tumble dryer
🤗 Comfortable to wear
👙 Also come in sportswear and swimwear
🤸‍♀️ Great option for people just starting their periods as they don’t need to worry about changing pads or inserting tampons

I really feel that alongside organic & biodegradable tampons and pads, menstrual cups and cloth pads, period underwear gives us another sustainable, comfortable and practical choice for our period needs!

3:43 pm 16Jan, 2022
admin
Mental Health and Teenagers

I posted recently about mental health and younger children, but what if you’ve got older children or teens and you haven’t thought much about mental health before?

I think that the key to good mental health in our children is first of all taking care of ourselves. By modelling good mental health practices we show our children how to be vulnerable, pay attention to their feelings and how to honour and process them. When we have systems that work, we can pass those on with much more experience and gravitas than when we talk about something we’ve heard of but not practised ourselves.

We know from the data that social media can have a huge impact on our teenager’s mental health, especially girls apparently, so it is vital that we do all we can to help them manage their social media time.

-encourage them to set time limits on their phones
-make sure they are media literate so can view what they are seeing with as critical an eye as possible
-encourage them to follow healthy accounts and role models
-talk to them about how they feel when they look at certain posts on their feeds. Help them to notice what makes them feel low/self conscious and what type of content can lift their mood or inspire them
-MODEL healthy use of devices yourself
-set boundaries-eg no devices at the dinner table / bed time
-talk to them about porn BEFORE they might see it or start watching it (see other posts on porn for more)
-have ALL the talks us sex educators preach about-not just the basics but all the relationships stuff too-especially CONSENT (see feed for more!)
-body confidence takes a lot of work for anyone and especially for teens. Make sure they are hearing and seeing as positive messaging from you as possible.

Remember all those vital areas of life that can keep people happy and healthy. The simple stuff that can seem so hard to achieve-balanced diet, enough sleep, exercise! 👯‍♀️Friendships and meaningful connections. ❤️Being of service to others. ⛹🏿Hobbies and creative outlets are so important for teens especially as they navigate that tricky period of their lives.

What would have helped your mental health during your teenage years?

1:30 pm 31Dec, 2021
admin
Top Tips for getting your menstrual cup in the right place

New to cups and not sure how to get it into the right place? Been using cups for a while but sometimes you just can’t get it right?

Here are some top tips to try and help you find the perfect position. Everyone is different so as frustrating as it is not to be given one magic answer, hopefully these tips will help you find your perfect technique!

🩸 Remember, if the cup is in the right place you shouldn’t be able to feel it at all! You should also not experience leaks and this process should NOT be painful 🩸

1. Try to relax: being stressed or hurrying can often make things worse and then vaginal muscles might tighten
2. Try practising when not on your period so you don’t have that added stress
3. Read the instructions or watch some YouTube tutorials-preferably from the company you bought it from
4. Wetting the cup might help (water/water based lube)
5. Try standing, squatting or sitting in different positions whilst inserting
6. Raise a leg
7. Try inserting at different angles (horizontal at 45 degrees is often recommended)
8. Try aiming towards the base of the spine
9. Grip the base of the cup and rotate it 360 degrees
10. Try out all the different types of folds to see which one work for you
11. Try pinching the bottom of the cup once inserted to help open it up
12. Do a few kegels -might help form a seal
13. Run your finger around the cup once inserted to make sure it is open
14. The cup should not be sticking out of the vaginal opening but it shouldn’t be too high up either-only just inside you
15. Insert folded a small way and then try opening it whilst it’s in the vaginal canal (rather that it opening itself)
16. Trim the stem if needed (maybe if you have a low cervix so the cup sits in a low position). MAKE SURE TO LEAVE ENOUGH TO PULL OUT
17. If all else fails, try changing the cup or size of cup

Sometimes cups need a bit of determination and perseverance. If you are up for the challenge, once you’ve got your technique you can say goodbye to buying products monthly 💰 , worrying about where the closest toilet is on a day out 🚽 and worrying about the environmental impact of disposable plastic products 🌍

1:28 pm 31Dec, 2021
admin
Mental Health and Younger Children

We are becoming more and more aware of the strains that stress can play on our children’s mental health. We need to get in there at an early age to give them the tools that they can use to manage these stresses. There are some things that we can help protect children from (eg. not giving them devices too young/parental controls on devices) and then there are many things we can not-life in general!

Therefore we need to foster the skills of resilience, problem solving, critical thinking and stress management so that they have a toolkit ready for when life throws stuff their way.

So how can you help?
-ask open ended questions to encourage open dialogue
-practice being non judgemental-the less judgemental you are, the more they’ll open up
-show them that you’re not perfect and that you don’t have it all figured out. Speaking about (appropriate) problems that won’t be scary for them shows them that you are human too and so they don’t grow up feeling like their parents always had everything figured out or think they need to be perfect like you
-be vulnerable in front of them: if they never see that they won’t think it’s ok for them to be it either
-encourage any creative/musical or sporting activities that they show an interest in, but don’t push.
-model / set healthy behaviours/boundaries when it comes to devices
-get out in nature
-get the whole family taking part in mindfulness techniques-doesn’t have to be a big thing, just little and often will model the tools to them (guided meditations/mindfulness colouring in books/yoga etc)
-animal therapy (!) pets are great de-stressers for kids
-if you’re trying to get your child into a secondary school where they have to take exams and interviews, tread carefully. I know you want the best for them and that includes sending them to a good school, but I’ve seen first hand how much stress children take on board when trying to pass entrance exams

I will do a separate post on a set of skills that can help early and be used throughout life ❤️

1:27 pm 31Dec, 2021
admin
I don’t remember what I did at a party with a girl

This was one of my slightly more concerning anonymous questions that I received from a 15 year old the other day. As an adult looking in, your mind can go to all sorts of places and as this was truly anonymous (although I do know it came from a boy), I couldn’t follow it up for more details.

This is what he wrote:
“I might have had things with a girl at a party. I don’t remember who she was. What should I do?”

This is how I answered:
1. Why can’t you remember? Was she a stranger and you didn’t talk much or were you drunk or high?
2. People are WAY more likely to take sexual risks that they regret when they are under the influence and BY LAW you CANNOT consent to sexual activity-so be careful. Learn about the effects of specific drugs and drink that you are taking so you can be more informed and in control.
3. If she was a stranger and you engaged in unprotected sexual activity, then it is a good idea to get tested. Remember that you can get STIs through oral sex.
4. Is there any way of getting in touch with her (through friends of a friend) -maybe someone remembers who you were talking to. It would be good to contact her and make sure she is alright.
4. Think about what it is that is now concerning you. Were you left with a bad/uncomfortable feeling the next day? Is there someone you trust that you can talk to about this? Can you remember what you did just not who she was, or are you having problems remembering what you did as well? (I did say to them that it’s hard from the vagueness of the question to understand exactly what has happened).
5. Remember everything you have learnt about consent. FREELY GIVEN/REVERSIBLE/INFORMED/ENTHUSIASTIC/SPECIFIC. I tell them that the reason I talk about consent so much is that we know statistically and anecdotally that sexual harassment/assault and abuse happens to an alarmingly high number of people STILL and that we all need to be very clear on what informed consent looks like. This could be another reason to get in touch with her to make sure everything that happened was consensual.
6. Try and think about your actions more next time so you can make wiser/kinder choices.

5:21 pm 7Dec, 2021
admin
How do I get a girlfriend?

How do I get a girlfriend?
I was asked this question by a 14 year old boy. Remember that I work in an international school so I don’t get too caught up on the way they word the questions as sometimes it’s a simple language issue. (For example, I don’t love the use of ‘get’ here, but I understand what he means!)
*Ask yourself WHY you want a girlfriend (or partner-as this answer applies to everyone). Are you bored? Feeling lonely? Feel like all of your friends have one so you should too? Do you feel like you just ‘should’ have one because of all the messaging you get from the media or your family/culture? (Opportunity for a big discussion here!) Thinking about sex more than wanting to actually go out with someone?
If it is to fill any kind of emotional hole/dissatisfaction in your own life then be careful, because no one can fill that up apart from you! A new partner might be a distraction from your problems, but if they ever leave you will be right back where you started!

*If there is someone you already like, think about ways in which you can hang out more or be brave and ask them out straight away. If you are already friends, think about whether your friendship could take a rejection?

*Try to be patient, the more desperate we are for something, the more ‘desperate’ energy we give off, which can either be off putting to others or taken advantage of. What I mean by that is people (often older people when we are younger) can see the ways in which we are vulnerable very easily. They might not be doing it consciously even, however they can play off of your vulnerability or need to be needed/seen and *could* take advantage of that in a number of ways.

*Think about what you have to offer another person. Are you fun, active, curious, interested in different things, kind, honest etc? If you are not those things, then you probably will not attract a partner that is those things. The best way to attract a partner is to concentrate on living your best life! People will find that attractive and you will naturally end up surrounded by people who are interested in you. 👏 JUST BE YOURSELF 👏

1:07 pm 28Nov, 2021
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