I don’t really feel female or male, what can I do?

“I don’t really feel female or male, what can I do?”was an anonymous question given to me at the end of a recent lesson. This class are at the start of their Secondary (high school) education and so are 12 years old. This is how I will approach answering this question:
1. I will start by revisiting the differences between anatomical sex/gender identity/gender expression (how you present to the outside world) and sexual attraction (google GENDERBREAD PERSON for a good visual)
2. I will ask-where do our ideas about gender come from? What messages does society give us with regards to gender? Why is it telling us these things? Why might it be challenging for people who see gender as binary to think about it more as a spectrum?
3. Gender isn’t binary -it’s a wide spectrum of identifying as male/female/neither/a bit of both and THAT’S OK! Other terms that are similar to ‘non-binary’ are gender-queer, gender expansive and gender nonconforming.
4. As you’re all aware, people use a range of pronouns to identify as, some non-binary people use they/them pronouns
5. Take your time with this, as we’ve discussed, society likes to impose a gender on you and so it takes bravery and strength to hold space for yourself and understand that it can take a while to figure things out
6. Talk to trusted friends and adults about your feelings -make sure you feel safe with these people
7. Find others that can support you and/or are possibly going through similar feelings. There are lots of trustworthy websites where you can find information and a community, and books in our school library
8. Whatever your gender identity or expression, you are a whole and complete human being just the way you are, worthy of love and respect 🙌💖

Reasons to delay sex in a healthy relationship

We know that teens and young adults who delay having their first sexual experiences often take less risks and have less regrets than those that start earlier. I discussed reasons why people in a healthy relationship might delay having sex and these are the answers the 14 year olds came up with:
❤️ Religious or cultural beliefs
🧡Waiting to have more of an emotional connection with the other person
💛Working on building trust first
💚 Just don’t want to
💙 Might be asexual
💜They don’t feel horny
🖤 Worried about STIs or pregnancy
🤍Too embarrassed to buy condoms
🤎Worried about having sex
❤️Don’t have a safe place to do it
🧡Feel that they are too young
💛 Too busy
💚On their period
💙Drunk / High
💜Parents don’t like your partner
🖤Medical reasons
🤍Want to make sure they’re not being used

I’d say that’s a fairly good list!

I believe that giving young people the chance to think about and discuss their opinions and listen to other people their age talk about these issues allows them to see that they are not alone; what other people are thinking and hopefully alleviates any pressure that they might be feeling to in any way rush into something physical. This is not about putting them off sex at all, it’s about allowing them to see that there can be many reasons why people wait and do not take the decision lightly to start sexual activity.