4 Ways to React to a Problem

Giving children and teenagers the tools to solve problems is vital if we want self aware and resilient kids. (Let’s face it, plenty of us adults need these tools too!)

According to DBT*, there are 4 ways to react to a problem:

1. Solve the problem: this could involve getting other people on board to help or be done on one’s own. Maybe you can change/avoid or leave the situation.
2. Feel better about the problem: change the way you are viewing the situation. Regulate your emotions, so the problem itself doesn’t change, but your reaction to it does. (As @gabbybernstein says, “obstacles are detours in the right direction”)
3. Tolerate the problem: if you can’t manage either of the first two, then maybe you can accept and tolerate the situation. This is called radical acceptance-it doesn’t mean you approve of the situation, you just stop fighting reality.
4. Stay miserable: don’t make any changes and possibly feel worse (!)

This might seem obvious but have you actually ever stopped to think about how you react to problems and the choices you have in those moments when problems arise? Have you ever talked through a problem with your teen or older child and used this kind of terminology?

I think by knowing that there are 4 ways to approach a problem you will already start to feel better about it and more in control (of your reactions).

Try thinking about the four options the next time you’re faced with a problem and let me know how it goes!

*Based on Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) which is an evidence-based psychotherapy

Top Questions I Get Asked About Periods

When I begin lessons about periods I know I am going to get a barrage of questions about them. When you think about it, the science behind them can be a lot for a younger person to really grasp and then there’s all the emotional feelings involved, as well as any societal myths or taboos that need dispelling. Here’s how I answer some of the most common questions:
1. How will I know when I am going to start? Your body usually starts showing other changes associated with puberty before you start your periods, such as breast buds and vaginal discharge (maybe 1 or 2 years before)
2. Will they hurt? They could do! First of all remember that during your first year or so of periods you are going through menarche, which means you won’t get regular periods for a while and the amount of blood could be small. Some people suffer from period cramps. If you are suffering from pain rather than discomfort you should see a doctor and not accept that it’s a normal part of having a period. It takes a long time to get diagnoses for period related issues so be an advocate for your child or for yourself if the pain is getting in the way of normal daily life.
3. What if I start when I’m in the swimming pool? When you first start your period, that very first time will probably be such a small amount you wouldn’t even notice in the pool, and neither would anyone else. The blood would be diluted in the water.
4. Do they ever stop? Yes! When a person stops getting their periods (for 12 months) they go through something called menopause. This is not an overnight process, but takes a few years (on average 4-5) and there can be some side effects whilst the body is changing.

Timely vs Age Appropriate

I had the pleasure of delivering two workshops to parents a few weeks ago and an overarching theme was that parents were not sure what to teach and when. I speak a lot about what to teach here, but wanted to spend a moment looking at when!

It would be amazing to give a definite guide where on the day of a child’s birthday you know that it’s time to trot out the puberty talk, but unfortunately it’s not like that, is it?!

I like to use the word ‘timely’ instead of ‘age appropriate’ for 2 reasons:
1️⃣Children are all different and learn at different stages. What is right for one 7 year old is not necessarily right for another. Maybe your 7 year old has lots of older siblings or people around them and it feels right to get in there earlier with info that you want them to get from you and not from second hand sources.
2️⃣I’ve always felt that ‘age appropriate’ is some kind of catch all phrase that governments/schools (institutions mainly) say without any real understanding of s3x ed in order to cover their backs and give people a false sense of security-eg. We’ll talk about puberty when it’s age appropriate and then the schools themselves are left on their own to decide when that might be

If you’d like a rough guide, I’d say teach them the correct names for body parts from the beginning, use the word uterus when they ask about babies in tummies, talk about private and public parts and safe and unsafe touch as early as possible, answer in a scientific, matter of fact and shame free and simple way any time they ask about bodily functions and once they are around 7 or 8 you’ll start going into more detail about the changes associated with puberty. If you want to get in there before society/friends/older siblings when it comes to conception and sex, I wouldn’t leave it later than 11.

Of course, where I’ve mentioned ages it might be more TIMELY for your child to hear this stuff earlier. IF you are able to answer questions as and when they pop out throughout their early lives, talking about puberty and sex is going to be a natural progression from that. IF you are thinking, “oh my goodness, I’ve not done any of that and they’re X years old now” don’t panic! It’s never to late to introduce these topics. If you need help as to how, DM and I’d happily deliver a workshop to you and your parent friends to give you some pointers!

Puberty Changes-can you name all the changes bodies go through during puberty?

From 8 years old I start teaching about changes that happen during puberty. We revisit puberty each academic year, adding changes until they are 12, when they know all of the changes listed below:
EVERYONE
~growth spurts
~voice deepens (more in males)
~mood swings
~possible spots/acne
~sexual feelings can develop
~genitalia grows (female anatomy too!!)
~hair growth all over the body (also underarm hair and pubic hair)
~greasy hair (head)
~sweat more / smells different
~masturbation might start
PEOPLE WITH PENISES
~erections (can be uncontrollable but will calm down once having gone through puberty)
~testicles start producing sperm
~testicles drop
~wet dreams might happen (some people have them/some don’t/some have more than one)
~facial/chest/back hair might grow
~voice breaks
~shoulders broaden
~muscles thicken
PEOPLE WITH A UTERUS
~vaginal discharge will start 6 months to a year before periods start
~periods start
PEOPLE WITH FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS
~breasts develop
~hips broaden
~bones get heavier

In order to be as inclusive as possible, I use careful language from the very beginning of my teachings around puberty. If asked why I am saying, “people with a penis” for example, I will explain (in an age appropriate way) that people can identify as a different gender to their anatomical sex/body parts, so a person with a penis could identify as a woman, for example. Introducing the idea that not all females are born with a uterus or that some people are born with reproductive or sexual anatomy that doesn’t fit into the boxes of ‘male’ or ‘female’ (intersex) is a way to educate your child that (possibly) the whole world doesn’t just look like they do and might even help with the diagnosis of various medical conditions (eg. roughly 1 in 5000 women are born without a uterus). When told in a matter of fact way, children are very curious and accepting of this information. It is factual and inclusive and therefore anyone sat in one of my classrooms who may not fit into a hetero cisgender box will hopefully feel seen, whilst hetero cisgender children will learn that other people are not living the same experiences as they are and are free to ask questions about that.

Appearance Ideals-How I teach about self esteem

I am currently teaching my class of 10-year-olds about self-esteem.

We start by thinking about appearance ideals and where we actually get our ideas surrounding beauty from.

First we analyse fashion to see how it changes over the decades, and we even think about why it’s changing. As we have studied a lot about World War I, World War II and propaganda we discuss the politics of fashion and, for example, why women were encouraged to go back into the home and be glamorous housewives after World War II because the men came back and needed the jobs.

This encourages them to realise that our ideas surrounding what looks good and what doesn’t can be manipulated, swayed or changed by the fashion industry, the music industry, movies and social media.

I give them an outline of a female and male body and ask them what messages does society send them about what women and men should look like. I’m always amazed to see 10 year olds list things like long hair, big lips, big breasts, big bums, skinny, long legs, no wrinkles& hairless for women, and tall, muscular, six pack abs, short hair for men. One year I had large penises added to the list too.

They may be 10 years old but society’s messaging surrounding appearance is not going unnoticed. I suspect one could do these lessons (or have these conversations) with seven and eight-year-olds and still get similar answers.

We go on to think about how much time and money might go into reaching for these goals and as they are ever changing, how we’ll never be able to obtain them and how this could pay a toll on our mental health (such as eating disorders). We think about what makes us unique and how we can celebrate our differences and special gifts 💝

Next I’ll be talking to them about photoshopping and filtering and how we really can’t believe everything we see.

Raising media literate children is the only way to help them become critical thinkers and navigate the world they are in. #Comparisonisthetheifofjoy