How do I get a girlfriend?

How do I get a girlfriend?
I was asked this question by a 14 year old boy. Remember that I work in an international school so I don’t get too caught up on the way they word the questions as sometimes it’s a simple language issue. (For example, I don’t love the use of ‘get’ here, but I understand what he means!)
*Ask yourself WHY you want a girlfriend (or partner-as this answer applies to everyone). Are you bored? Feeling lonely? Feel like all of your friends have one so you should too? Do you feel like you just ‘should’ have one because of all the messaging you get from the media or your family/culture? (Opportunity for a big discussion here!) Thinking about sex more than wanting to actually go out with someone?
If it is to fill any kind of emotional hole/dissatisfaction in your own life then be careful, because no one can fill that up apart from you! A new partner might be a distraction from your problems, but if they ever leave you will be right back where you started!

*If there is someone you already like, think about ways in which you can hang out more or be brave and ask them out straight away. If you are already friends, think about whether your friendship could take a rejection?

*Try to be patient, the more desperate we are for something, the more ‘desperate’ energy we give off, which can either be off putting to others or taken advantage of. What I mean by that is people (often older people when we are younger) can see the ways in which we are vulnerable very easily. They might not be doing it consciously even, however they can play off of your vulnerability or need to be needed/seen and *could* take advantage of that in a number of ways.

*Think about what you have to offer another person. Are you fun, active, curious, interested in different things, kind, honest etc? If you are not those things, then you probably will not attract a partner that is those things. The best way to attract a partner is to concentrate on living your best life! People will find that attractive and you will naturally end up surrounded by people who are interested in you. 👏 JUST BE YOURSELF 👏

Are cystitis and thrush STIs?

STI stands for Sexually Transmitted Infection (we don’t say diseases any more-more on that another time!) Cystitis and thrush can affect anyone. These are not just problems for people with vaginas.

🚽 Cystitis is a urinary tract infection whereby the bladder becomes inflamed. It happens when bacteria enters the urethra. 🚽 This *could* happen during sex, but cystitis IS NOT an STI.
🚽Other causes are less common, such as a reaction to certain drugs or as a complication from another illness.
🚽Symptoms are: burning when urinating, a need to urinate often, cloudy urine with a strong odour, possible low grade fever and blood in urine.
🚽It will normally clear up on its own, drink plenty of water and take painkillers. If not, a doctor can prescribe antibiotics.

🧀 Thrush is a fungal infection where there is an overgrowth of yeast.
🧀Symptoms are itching or burning of the vagina/vulva or penis, a thick white discharge, possible redness or swelling of the genitals, a strong smell, stinging or burning while trying to urinate and for penis owners-difficulty pulling back the foreskin.
🧀Thrush is NOT an STI, but can be passed onto a partner during sexual activity.

 

Please see a doctor if you have any of these symptoms.

Is it possible to masturbate too much?

I get asked this question by adult followers of my instagram account a lot.

The answer is probably NO!!! but ask yourself these questions first:

❓is my masturbating getting in the way of my social life? Am I choosing to stay in and masturbate over going out with friends on repeated occasions?
❓am I hurting myself-are my genitals getting sore from this?(tip-use lubrication)
❓ is my masturbating related to watching too much porn?
❓am I using masturbation as an escape from problems? (you’d have to judge if that’s problematic or not!)

You see! As long as masturbating is part of your life rather than taking over your life, there is no such thing as too little or too much ✌️

🌸 And remember, there are lots of benefits to masturbation (chemical /physical release / stress relief / self exploration etc)

What age do you have to be to be in a relationship?

What a great question from a young teen. There’s so much to unpack here!

1️⃣You don’t HAVE to be in a relationship at any point in your life. Some people choose to be in romantic relationships, some people don’t. (Cue conversation about pressures relating to society and culture 😉)
2️⃣ What does a romantic relationship look like according to you?
3️⃣ What age do you think someone could be in a romantic relationship and why? (Cue conversation about maturity, what people might want out of a relationship at different points in their lives)
4️⃣ What about cultures where they practice arranged marriage? What do we know/think about that?
5️⃣ What do you think about people being in many relationships throughout their lifetime?

….so many conversations to be had with this one! I love it when children ask questions like this that can be bounced back to them.

Where would you take this conversation? How would you answer? Would love to hear your thoughts!

Why do men have nipples?

This is a question that pops up time to time in my lessons, especially when we are learning body parts. 

A simple answer is that men have nipples because nipples develop in the womb before embryos become distinctly male or female. So by the time a Y chromosome kicks in to distinguish a fetus as male, the nipples have already secured their place.

🤷‍♀️You might wonder-why hasn’t evolution selected against this trait? It’s not necessary for survival, so why hasn’t it been eliminated? If you think about it, we have many nonessential traits (like wisdom teeth) that are just left over from our development as a species. (Apparently such traits are called vestigial, meaning we still have them because they’re not a priority for evolution to select against.)

🙎‍♂️It’s not like male nipples are hurting anyone, so it’s no big deal for evolution to simply leave them be. They are also an erogenous zone 💖

😊With regards to lactation ➡️For transgender men, possible steps for physical transition can include surgery, taking hormones, or nothing at all.

🥛 So, depending on the physical and hormonal changes that have taken place, lactation can happen just like it does for cisgender women. But even cisgender men can lactate if a particular hormone, called prolactin, takes effect.
It’s a condition known as male galactorrhea.
It’s usually the result of:
* medication
* malnutrition
* a health condition like an overactive thyroid

Super interesting, huh?!

(Info mainly from healthline.com)

Puberty Changes-can you name all the changes bodies go through during puberty?

From 8 years old I start teaching about changes that happen during puberty. We revisit puberty each academic year, adding changes until they are 12, when they know all of the changes listed below:
EVERYONE
~growth spurts
~voice deepens (more in males)
~mood swings
~possible spots/acne
~sexual feelings can develop
~genitalia grows (female anatomy too!!)
~hair growth all over the body (also underarm hair and pubic hair)
~greasy hair (head)
~sweat more / smells different
~masturbation might start
PEOPLE WITH PENISES
~erections (can be uncontrollable but will calm down once having gone through puberty)
~testicles start producing sperm
~testicles drop
~wet dreams might happen (some people have them/some don’t/some have more than one)
~facial/chest/back hair might grow
~voice breaks
~shoulders broaden
~muscles thicken
PEOPLE WITH A UTERUS
~vaginal discharge will start 6 months to a year before periods start
~periods start
PEOPLE WITH FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS
~breasts develop
~hips broaden
~bones get heavier

 

In order to be as inclusive as possible, I use careful language from the very beginning of my teachings around puberty. If asked why I am saying, “people with a penis” for example, I will explain (in an age appropriate way) that people can identify as a different gender to their anatomical sex/body parts, so a person with a penis could identify as a woman, for example. Introducing the idea that not all females are born with a uterus or that some people are born with reproductive or sexual anatomy that doesn’t fit into the boxes of ‘male’ or ‘female’ (intersex) is a way to educate your child that (possibly) the whole world doesn’t just look like they do and might even help with the diagnosis of various medical conditions (eg. roughly 1 in 5000 women are born without a uterus). When told in a matter of fact way, children are very curious and accepting of this information. It is factual and inclusive and therefore anyone sat in one of my classrooms who may not fit into a hetero cisgender box will hopefully feel seen, whilst hetero cisgender children will learn that other people are not living the same experiences as they are and are free to ask questions about that.

Appearance Ideals-How I teach about self esteem

I am currently teaching my class of 10-year-olds about self-esteem.

We start by thinking about appearance ideals and where we actually get our ideas surrounding beauty from.

First we analyse fashion to see how it changes over the decades, and we even think about why it’s changing. As we have studied a lot about World War I, World War II and propaganda we discuss the politics of fashion and, for example, why women were encouraged to go back into the home and be glamorous housewives after World War II because the men came back and needed the jobs.

This encourages them to realise that our ideas surrounding what looks good and what doesn’t can be manipulated, swayed or changed by the fashion industry, the music industry, movies and social media.

I give them an outline of a female and male body and ask them what messages does society send them about what women and men should look like. I’m always amazed to see 10 year olds list things like long hair, big lips, big breasts, big bums, skinny, long legs, no wrinkles& hairless for women, and tall, muscular, six pack abs, short hair for men. One year I had large penises added to the list too.

They may be 10 years old but society’s messaging surrounding appearance is not going unnoticed. I suspect one could do these lessons (or have these conversations) with seven and eight-year-olds and still get similar answers.

We go on to think about how much time and money might go into reaching for these goals and as they are ever changing, how we’ll never be able to obtain them and how this could pay a toll on our mental health (such as eating disorders). We think about what makes us unique and how we can celebrate our differences and special gifts 💝

Next I’ll be talking to them about photoshopping and filtering and how we really can’t believe everything we see.

Raising media literate children is the only way to help them become critical thinkers and navigate the world they are in. #Comparisonisthetheifofjoy

All my friends like girls, but I like boys. What should I do?

Puberty is a time where you can be full of doubt and anxiety. I like to give classes different types of age appropriate (or rather, timely) scenarios so that they can practice thinking about and giving advice to others. Hopefully, this will embed some tools and strategies so that they have them handy if they or a friend are ever in a similar situation.

 

This was a scenario I gave to a Year 7 class and here is the advice they gave this person who is worried that they like boys when all their friends like girls:

💬find someone you can trust to talk to…you always feel better once you’ve shared a problem
💕it’s totally normal during puberty for sexual feelings to develop
🌈 sexuality can be a fluid thing so it’s normal to have feelings for people -it doesn’t matter what gender they are
💻there are lots of online resources from websites that you can trust if you don’t want to talk to someone
🧍🧍‍♂️if your friends are true friends they will accept you as you are and won’t care who you like 😊

I have to say that when I hear children answer these scenarios in these ways I hold a lot of hope for the future 💜

Can you have babies with one testicle?

I was asked this question in class recently-for the first time! Love it when I have to research! This is the what I found out:

⏺⏺Most people with a penis have two testicles in their scrotum — but some only have one. This is known as monorchism. Monorchism can be the result of several things. Some people are simply born with just one testicle, while others have one removed for medical reasons.

⏺It’s estimated about 1 in every 25 people with penises are born with undescended testicles. In most cases no treatment is necessary, as the testicles will usually move down into the scrotum naturally during the first 3 to 6 months of life. But around 1 in 100 has testicles that stay undescended unless treated.

⏺ Cryptorchidism is defined as the absence of one or both testes from the scrotum. This condition originates during fetal development. It is the most common birth defect of the male genitalia.
⏺Testicular regression syndrome, or vanishing testes. During embryonic or fetal development, various disruptions of the testicular development can cause its complete failure and a missing testis. The damage to testicular tissue activates the immune system cells, which then resorb the testicular tissue. In such cases, the testis is present neither in the scrotum, nor in the inguinal canal.
⏺Surgical removal of the testis. Because of various testicular tumours, the testis may have to be removed.

👏 Most people who have one testicle have normal sexual development and are perfectly capable of having children 👏

👩‍⚕️ If you ever have any worries about your genitalia, go see your doctor.

FUN FACT-testicles are constantly producing new sperm in spermatogenesis. The full process takes about 64 days. During spermatogenesis, testicles make several million sperm per day — about 1,500 per second!!🥳
(Main source -fertilitypedia.org)

 

It is always interesting to think about why I am being asked these questions-is the person actually asking for themselves, a sibling, did they see it on TV and wondered if it could be true….? I ask my classes to write anonymous questions and hand them in on folded paper so they can feel free to ask anything. When they are my own class (I am also a class teacher so teach them all the subjects all day long, apart from when I move around the school to teach Relationships and Sex Ed to other classes) I can generally tell who has asked what question, based on the handwriting, which can be really helpful in case anyone is asking something which raises a red flag for me.

What’s that smell?

What’s that smell?! Sometimes we can experience changes in discharge and the smell changes too. It is a good idea to know about this for yourself, or your tween/teen. (Remember to teach your children about vaginal discharge as it is a precursor to getting their periods and could be confusing if they are not expecting it and do not know what it means.) 

Bacterial vaginosis could be one cause of this change.

BV is a common cause of unusual vaginal discharge and is not a STI.
SYMPTOMS-
🐠 The most common symptom of bacterial vaginosis is unusual vaginal discharge that has a strong fishy smell, particularly after sex.
⬜️You may notice a change to the colour and consistency of your discharge, such as becoming greyish-white and thin and watery.
✴️50% of women with bacterial vaginosis do not have any symptoms.
👉Bacterial vaginosis does not usually cause any soreness or itching.

TREATMENT
💊 antibiotics / gels / creams
🤰🏼It’s also important to seek treatment if you’re pregnant as there’s a small chance that BV can cause complications with pregnancy.

What is the cause?
An imbalance of bacteria. So douching and using vaginal products are a no no.
(Cue shouty capitals…REMEMBER THE VAGINA IS SELF CLEANING SO LEAVE IT ALONE!) 💦

✅Tips
-have showers instead of baths.
-do not use strong detergents to wash your underwear 🧼
-do not smoke 🚬

NOTE-not a STI but a woman can pass it on to another woman during sex
ALSO-You’re more likely to get an STI if you have BV. 😞
(Info from the NHS)